El Salvador

What can I say about El Salvador? I can say that going there gives me an immense appreciation to live in the US.

When we first got to El Salvador, we went to a shopping center. It was weird to see a large amount of people wearing soccer jerseys that were royal blue. We later learned that the national Salvadorian soccer team was going to be playing an international game that night. The soccer tournament was on TV that night. Our apartment had 16 units in it. Across from us there was another apartment building, housing another 16 units. Many of the houses had the soccer game blaring. The Salvadorian team scored 2 goals that night. The reason that I know that is that when a goal was made, the surrounding game-watchers in our neighborhood roared! Horns were honking, fireworks were booming, people were hollering.... It was actually really fun to hear. I loved the patriotism that the soccer game seemed to provoke. It got me thinking about how we don't really have a national sport in which most everyone get involved and how cool it would be to have something like that.

Tonight I was kind of frustrated for a couple of reasons. I am frustrated that people tell me that it doesn't matter if your an LCSW, LPC, or a LMFT it's all pretty much the same. I feel confused because I talked to the head of one of the youth facilities, who told me that I will be able to do much more in this community with an LCSW. However, I have a negative stigma about social workers, and what was said in class today about social workers doing more with administration just solidified that for me. I'm not interested in administration, I'm interested in personal growth and well-being for myself and anyone else who'd like to join me. I really want to teach classes (seminars) about parenting, inner sentences, group therapy, individual therapy.... It's just that the limitations with staying here and trying to get a degree are not optimal.

It was also strange to me to talk about termination today, because I've never officially terminated my relationship with my therapist, though I haven't seen him in about 8 months, and before that it was more than 6 months. He told me 8 months ago that he had to go to his storage to get out my file. I thought that was cool that it sounded like he thought I was done, too. I don't know what to make of the fact that we haven't officially terminated.

I started my motivation assignment. I did notice that I use have to and need to in regards to work and responsibilities of being a mom. I talked to my employee about it. We’re both still a little confused on how work is not a need. It’s also interesting to hear those extrinsic phrases when other people say them. I’m amazed how often they’re used. I hear 'I need', 'I have to', 'I should' a lot in society. It’s been useful for me to take responsibility for my actions by taking the choice and want phrases in. I find it a bit freeing to be more mindful of using words like 'I choose to', 'I want to', 'I'd like to', 'I'm willing to'. I'm excited to continue this process.

It was interesting for me to see that my issues with religion are still coming up in the group settings. It came up for me on many occasions in my other group experiences. I was thinking about it a lot over the rest of Monday night and throughout the day on Tuesday. I think what comes up for me is that I’ve never been able to fit that cookie cutter LDS stereotype that is somewhat encouraged in the LDS society. As a teenager, I felt like I made some great decisions and that I would be “blessed” for following the doctrine I bought into. When I feel triggered in a group setting about religion, it often comes up for me when I sense negative energy towards my beliefs. What I think I need in regards to religious views is mutual respect for my choices to believe in the LDS church. I feel disrespected and labeled when people slam the church. I can think to myself, “How do I know if they are really being negative towards the church?” I’m putting my perspective on what they’re thinking. I guess I really wanted to believe that I could be that cookie cutter LDS woman, but through life experience I’ve been awaken to reality and that sometimes that stereotype absolutely doesn’t fit. I’m just not sure why I choose to personalize when people bring up religion? It’s possible that I’m playing out my inner sentence when I feel triggered during group about that subject.

What could I work on in group? What specific goal would I want to work on? I would like to work on my harsh tone & my empathy levels. I've had feedback from my sister, Steffanie, my employee, Ali, and from other various sources that I have a "tone" that is maladaptive. I'm not sure what I can do in a group setting to work on this, but I think it would be beneficial since it hasn't gone away after these many years. I get it when I start getting irritated or frustrated or basically can't get things to go "right".

Last night was a bit uncomfortable for me in my psychotherapy class. I volunteered to have a mini-individual therapy session. I felt awkward and silly. However, it was probably useful for the fact that I realized that I still occasionally slip into that old inner sentence of sacrificing to be of worth. I found that as I'm about to go move into an apartment and rent out my house I'm feeling like I'm sacrificing my house and everything that I've worked so hard for. I thought it was cool that with my body language I was doing a downward scooping to say that I was downgrading, but that when I scooped down I aslo scooped back up a little bit. Thank you to Sheryl for picking that out! I guess it's a pattern I go through in life. I get in a sad situation for a while, but then I pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. I'm like a pheonix yet again in my life experience. This will be cool to see as it progresses.